Tag Archives: intention

Down the Rabbit Hole

Lately, I’ve taken a tumble down the rabbit hole of trauma and trauma therapy. To say I’ve been humbled is a bit of an understatement. It has been an eye-opening process to see myself in the words and the stories I’ve been reading. I mostly don’t remember my childhood. The impact of trauma in my life has been pervasive and far reaching. Honestly, though, I would have denied it only a few years ago. I would have said I’ve never experienced trauma. I would have said that the amnesia, and the depression, and the rage, and the way my body shuts down have nothing to do with trauma. I would have said, “I’m lucky,” and I am, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never experienced trauma. In fact, now I would venture to say almost all of us have.

Just yesterday a new meme started going around Facebook: “Me too.” People were putting it on their walls to signify they have been sexually harassed or assaulted in the wake of the revelations about Harvey Weinstein. If we asked the same question about trauma, I’m guessing pretty much anyone who is honest would say, “Me too.”

I’m going to write a lot more about trauma in the coming months. But for now, I will say this: We can heal. I’ve been healing even being in some level of denial and ignorance about how trauma has impacted me. Our bodies, hearts, and minds want to heal. Our whole being wants to come back into harmony and equilibrium. As I practice presence — whether through meditation, heart-centered practices, feeling energy and creative forces, or tracking my body sensations — the energy held in my system around trauma inevitably arises. I don’t have to make it happen. I don’t have to dredge up painful memories. That energy is patiently waiting for the right opportunity — the right conditions — to begin the process of healing. It wants to be met in a new way. It wants to be digested, to resolve, and to let go.

I’ve come to trust this process. I’ve come to see that trauma begins to digest in the arms of compassionate presence. With trauma, our bodies and minds live in the past, though we don’t often realize it. But we can learn to trust the present moment. We can learn to trust our bodies, even when we feel like they have betrayed us in the most horrific ways. We can even learn to trust other people. We can heal together.

Me too.

The Change We Don’t Want

steering wheelWhen it comes to healing, it doesn’t seem obvious that we resist change. After all, we are usually suffering with some sort of condition that we really do want to change. In general, we simply want it to go away so we’ll feel better. Oftentimes we believe our chronic disease or condition is something that is wrong or bad, something that is somehow separate from us, and something that should be, and can be, gotten rid of without affecting the rest of who we are. Yes, we want the condition to change (go away), but we often do not acknowledge the connection between the condition and the beliefs we hold about and toward the condition. In other words, we do not realize that our relationship with the condition is an integral part of the condition itself. We actually believe this separate “thing” can be healed without changing anything else about us. Indeed, this is the very premise upon which western medicine is based as well as several alternative therapies.

Healing Involves Change

Healing at a deeper level involves change on every level of our being. Many chronic conditions and/or so-called incurable diseases (autoimmune diseases, neurological diseases, gastrointestinal issues, cancer, hormonal imbalances, mental diseases such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, etc.) can and do resolve themselves through the process of Healing as I describe it. However, major shifts such as these involve change that extends well beyond the symptoms going away and a doctor declaring us “cured” (or claiming we must have been misdiagnosed in the first place). These changes are not optional, but are rather part of the Healing process itself.butterfly emerging from coccoonWhen we are in the cycle of suffering, we think our suffering is being caused by the condition we are facing. Therefore, we think if we get rid of the condition, we will stop suffering. Perhaps we go in for surgery and have a cancerous tumor removed. Maybe we have our knee replaced and the pain we had before is gone. Perhaps we leave our stressful job or our marriage and feel a huge sense of relief. In the traditional sense, many would call these examples of healing. The advances in western medicine are absolutely incredible and invaluable in our lives. But simply having a knee replacement is, in and of itself, not Healing in the sense I am speaking of here.

In my experience, both with myself and with my clients, even when a condition is “cured” as in the examples above, if there is no other corresponding shift on other levels of being, the suffering will continue. We simply refocus our attention on another condition or issue that is “not okay” (either inside or outside of us) and continue to be enmeshed in the cycle of suffering.

MaskOn the other hand, when we engage in the process of Healing on a deeper level, real change is inevitable. One of the most significant of these changes is a perspective shift about and toward the condition itself. As we begin to experience and embody that aspect of us that is other than suffering, we realize that we Heal through the condition rather than from the condition. We see the condition itself as our means of Healing rather than that which we need to get rid of in order to Heal. This perspective shift in itself can end the suffering (i.e., the resistance) around the condition. But in order for that shift to occur in a truly embodied way, many other changes on many levels must also occur. We simply do not get to keep our current belief structures and worldviews (our ego as it is constructed now) and Heal in this way.

This process is absolutely terrifying to most of us because it feels as if we are giving up who we are (and how we think the world operates) at a fundamental level. And indeed, this is true. It is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects for us to accept and embrace on our Healing journeys. Most of us want to keep our current perspectives and beliefs and simply get rid of the condition. In other words, we don’t want to change. However, the kind of Healing I’m talking about involves change, and there is no way out of it.

Part of the Healing process is learning to embrace change and recognizing what that means within ourselves. It can be a very scary prospect. But fear is part of the process too. Indeed, the fear itself can become a path and doorway to true Healing.

In Gratitude & Love,
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The Choice of Self Acceptance

graveyardI’m in Colorado now, having made the trip in early October to Boulder for what I thought was a short stay. Well, things didn’t go quite as planned, and I ended up in the ER in Boise, Idaho, on my way out here. Turns out I had a partially collapsed lung and ended up being grounded for a bit. My dad was kind enough to come and rescue me from Boise and drive me back to Boulder, where I have been ever since.

During the experience in Boise, I thought I might die. I began to reflect. This wasn’t always a pretty process, at times filled with morbid thoughts, confusion, and terror. But some meaningful questions surfaced during that time of deep inner reflection: Why do I want to live? Do I want to live? Who do I want to be if I live? What’s important to me? Eventually, my heart answered with this simple statement: I want to accept and love myself just the way I am. This was clearly the next step on my evolutionary journey.

This theme didn’t go away. It stuck with me, even now that I’m settling in Boulder and feeling (somewhat) more removed from impending death. And so I set the intention to accept myself on all levels. This falls under the category of, “Be careful what you wish for because you will get it.” What I quickly came to experience is that in order for me to accept myself in this way, all those parts of myself that I had been ashamed of and condemned, and then finally denied through elaborate efforts to prove that I am not that, started to rise to the surface. After all, I cannot accept something I am unconscious of due to denial, and so these things had to bubble up so I would have the opportunity to fulfill my intention to accept myself fully. Being surrounded by family and friends greatly accelerated this process, as you can imagine.Bubbles

After setting this intention, I have gone through several layers of what it means to accept myself, and I have no doubt there is more to come. But for now, what it has come down to is this: Full self acceptance is a simple (but not easy) choice. It is a choice stemming from a commitment to live in love. This choice is not based on logical arguments which explain why these aspects of myself exist, therefore somehow exempting me from shame or blame. It is not based on logical reasons which prove my beliefs are untrue and therefore prove I have no reason to be ashamed. It is not based on spiritual bypasses which tell me these aspects of myself are “ego-based” and are therefore not who I really am. No, this choice presented itself to me when there were no more excuses, no more logical arguments, and no more spiritual bypasses. The choice came when I could no longer talk myself out of feeling the full, terrible force of the shame, when all pretense was gone and I was facing head on those aspects of myself that I had been denying and hiding all these years. It was at that moment when I realized I had a choice: I could choose to accept and love Tearmyself for no reason other than I am committed to living in love, or I could choose to continue to hate myself. It really was that simple. And, choosing love in that moment was quite possibly the hardest choice I have ever made.

And so what I’ve learned so far about acceptance is threefold:  1) I had to set the intention (make the commitment) to accept myself fully. 2) The choice to fully accept myself (and by extension, others) only becomes available when I allow those aspects of myself which I have been condemning and denying to bubble up, to come into my conscious awareness. And, those aspects only arise when I am willing to feel fully the shame that goes along with all I have been denying. I found that this is what it actually means to look at myself honestly. It is not a mind game. It is all about being fully available to feel the pain. 3) Once the stage has been set and the choice arises, I now have the incredible opportunity to choose love — to accept myself exactly as I am — for no reason other than I am committed to living in love. This is a choice I must make over and over, day in and day out. It’s that simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

The implications of this choice are vast. I know now that the level at which I am able to accept and love myself is exactly equivalent to the level at which I am able to accept and love bird flying2others. I also know that my true heart’s desire is simply to give and receive love more and more fully, When I can face head on what I am most ashamed of in myself and still choose love, I can face anything in anyone else and choose love with them as well. For when I am totally honest, I notice that I carry all those qualities that I have condemned in others within myself. This, I believe, is one of the most important keys to healing ourselves and our planet.

In gratitude & love,
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The Dreaded Question: What’s Your Passion?

Flaming heartFor as long as I can remember, I have been searching for my true passion. It seems all the self-help gurus start off by asking, “What is your passion? What turns you on and lights you up?” This is the point where my eyes glaze over, I slink down in my chair, and I have had to admit: “I don’t know.” There are certainly things I like doing. There are causes I care about. I am fascinated by certain topics and areas of research and contemplation. But is being involved in these things my true purpose and passion? Is this what I am here to do in this life? This is where I have gotten lost.

In these last few weeks, something around this search for my passion has begun to clarify for me. My perspective on what passion actually is has begun to morph. I had been thinking about my passion as something I would do. After all, when people speak about their passions, they are usually talking about something they do. For instance, they say things like, “Music is my passion,” or “Art is my passion,” or “Science is my passion.” When the self-help gurus attempt to draw out our passions, they ask things like, “What brings you joy? What are you doing when you feel joyful and alive? What makes you feel happy and passionate?” So, naturally, I’ve been thinking all this time that my passion and purpose would be wrapped up in something that I’d be doing.

Lately, though, I’ve been wondering if my passion might have less to do with what I’m doing and more to do with what I’m feeling, being, and then ultimately expressing into the world. And so I started to ask myself this:

What feeling or state of being do I most want to experience and wish with all my heart that others could also experience? If I could somehow gift myself and others any kind of experience/feeling/state of being, what would it be?

Would it be to feel loved? Safe? Valued? Inspired? Empowered? Connected? Cherished? Alive? Vibrant? Clear? At Ease? Awed? Joyful? Compassionate? Light? Open? Restful? Grateful? Follow your heartThis is a whole different kind of question, and I’ve had to really get quiet and listen to my heart. Amazingly, what has come to the surface is something I cannot exactly put into words, yet it feels uniquely me. It is a specific feeling state that I have felt come forward inside of me… in fact, it feels like it is simply the real me coming forward. And what I’ve come to see is that THIS IS MY PASSIONI have been looking for my passion in the wrong place! All along, I had been thinking that there was something out there for me to do — some grand purpose — and that when I found it, I would know it and finally proclaim, “This is my passion! This is my purpose!” Instead, I have found my passion is an experience/feeling and not something inherent in something I will be doing. Rather, whatever I choose to do will simply be a vehicle for me to express my passion into the world. Of course, then I immediately understood something else all those gurus have been saying: It doesn’t really matter what you do. It only matters how you are being (and feeling) when you do it.

Have you ever noticed how inspired you can feel in the presence of someone who is passionate? I’ve had the experience of getting totally jazzed about some product a person is selling merely because that person seems so incredibly passionate about it. I admit I have bought some very strange items only to wonder later why in the world I bought them! What I am seeing now is that I was resonating with that person’s passion, not with what they were selling. We are vibrational beings, after all! I started to feel inspired, or joyful, or hopeful, or whatever qualities that person was being and expressing, because I was resonating, in my own way, with those qualities that they were embodying. Then, because of my confusion about the nature of passion, I mistakenly thought it was the product they were selling that was causing them to feel good (and so I bought the item as well, thinking it would cause me to feel something I desired). But it was not the product that was inspiring me. It was that person BEING their passion.

Sun rays in blue sky

So for me, the question then became… okay, then how do I choose what to do? I still need a vehicle through which I can express my passion. If it doesn’t matter what I do, then how do I choose what to do? Here are some questions I came up with to help guide me in this process:

What might I choose to do where, when I do it, it feels easy for me to connect with, embody, and experience the quality of my passion? What could I imagine doing where it seems like it would be easy for me to feel and express that quality?

Do I have skills, talents, or gifts through which I could easily imagine conveying or expressing this quality (my passion) to others and to the world?

How can I, in ALL that I do, both embody (“be”) my passion and convey or express it to others?

This process is helping me form a vision and choose the vehicles through which I want to express my passion. Instead of trying to find things to do that would (supposedly) ignite my passion, I am instead practicing on a daily basis remembering and embodying the qualities — the feeling states flower 8— of my passion. I keep asking myself again and again, “What feeling do I most want to experience and wish with all my heart others could experience?” This is my passion! I let it fill me to the brim! Clearly, my passion isn’t just about me feeling good. I want to share it. I have found that the desire to share it — to express it — is inherent in the passion itself. And, what I’ve come to see now is that the way to share it is to BE it. When my whole being vibrates with my passion, others will begin to resonate (in their own unique way) with those qualities. This is how I can share my passion with others. Perhaps that’s at least partly why Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And so now it seems my life (and my challenge) is about bringing that passion into all that I do — for myself, and for all those whose lives I touch.

What’s your passion?

In love & in gratitude,
Penny

What Role Do Beliefs Play in the Effectiveness of Healing Modalities?

puzzledThis is a question I’ve been pondering for many, many years. This is also on the mind of many of my clients, as they wonder how much their beliefs and/or intentions will either aid or hinder the effectiveness of the sessions they receive from me as well as how their beliefs and intentions affect their bodies and their healing processes. What if they don’t really believe in the effectiveness of these healing modalities, or they question the underlying theories? What if they can’t help but doubt? Does that mean it won’t work for them? Or will it work regardless of what they believe? The confusion is understandable, as we hear conflicting answers to this question. Some people claim it doesn’t matter what you believe; if it works, it works. Others say your intentions and beliefs actually create your reality and have everything to do with whether or not you heal. Others fall somewhere in the middle and/or just don’t know what to make of it all, although they acknowledge beliefs must play some kind of role (e.g., in the placebo effect).

I certainly don’t have all the answers, and this is still an open question for me. But, this morning I was pondering how sound healing works, as an example. Clearly, many people have experienced profound transformations through sound healing. Yet, as Jonathan Goldman (an expert in sound healing) often points out, the frequencies used to treat specific organs and energy centers vary greatly among different traditions, theories, and approaches. The theory of sound healing is based on the idea that we are vibratory beings (more specifically, that the entire universe is vibratory in nature, of which we are a part). So, these frequencies are said to aid the body in healing because they vibrate at the “healthy” frequency of the specified organ or energy center in human beings. As the person is exposed to this specific frequency, the energy center or organ then begins to resonate with the “healthy” sound, which leads to health in that particular organ or energy center. However, given this theory, how is it that two completely different frequencies can be used for the same organ or energy center and both seem to be effective in producing a healing or transformational experience (which is often the case)?

COLOR music

Jonathan Goldman says that after a time of consternation over this issue, this answer came to him: frequency + intention = healing. He explains that not only is frequency a factor in healing, but the intention of the person offering the sound, as well as the intention and beliefs of the person receiving, is critical as well. This is why he believes different frequencies can be effective for the same energy center or organ, and also why some people notice benefits while others do not. This explanation still left me in a quandary, though, because I naturally started to think that this meant intention alone could explain the effectiveness of sound healing. After all, if we can use different frequencies and get the same results, and the only other factor involved (besides frequency) is intention/beliefs, then it seems that intention is the main factor in the effectiveness of sound healing, right? But, this didn’t sit right with me. What about the whole vibratory universe thing? What about the physics of how the universe (and thus the human body) seems to work? Shouldn’t that have an effect as well?

coinThat’s when I started to wonder… what if at least part of the confusion is a misconception that “frequency” and “intention/beliefs” are separable? What if, in fact, they are two sides of the same coin, so to speak? What if one does not (and cannot) exist without the other? This is what I’ve been pondering today. Perhaps part of the problem is that we think we can isolate “intention/beliefs” and then answer the question of how they (alone) affect healing. Perhaps the problem stems from this (mistaken) unspoken assumption in the question itself. If this is the case, then both frequency and intention/beliefs are factors in the healing/transformational effects of sound healing for the simple reason that they come as an inseparable package… they are two aspects of the same thing.

If this is true, I can see how, for instance, a frequency that may not be a perfect match for an organ’s “healthy” frequency could still be quite beneficial if the intention embedded in the frequency from both the giver and recipient were very coherent and strong. I could also see how a perfect match frequency-wise embedded with incoherent or even detrimental intentions/beliefs could be ineffective or even cause disruption. This would be because the total package being delivered to the person comes as a kind of net effect of both frequency and intention/beliefs (and probably a lot of other factors, by the way), and you cannot separate out one from the other. The separation is only a concept in our minds but does not represent the actual reality of what is being delivered.

This idea could then be extended to other approaches that support healing, such as nutrition, aromatherapy, structured water, Earthing products, or any of the healing modalities I practice. For instance, I recently have been experimenting kale 2with different nutritional approaches and actually became quite obsessed with “eating right.” I was approaching it from a fear-based perspective, and I can see now that my beliefs/intentions were in opposition to my health. Even though I was eating foods like veggies and such, I actually became less and less healthy physically. It became clear to me that my belief structures and intentions were affecting my ability to heal even though I was eating nutritious foods. (And, of course, there are probably other factors as well.) Yet, at the same time, imagine if I had approached eating with the same fear-based perspective but instead ate donuts and Doritos all day long. I would imagine that would have been even worse on my physical body because the nutritional and energetic content of the food does actually make a difference as well. Other factors related to intention would be how the food was grown, who was growing it and with what intention, who harvests the food and with what intentions, who handled the food on the way to the store, what the atmosphere was like in the store, etc. All of this, along with my own beliefs/intentions, combines into a complex package of what makes up that food and how it affects me.

As for healing modalities such as Polarity therapy (one of the modalities I practice), if this idea were true, then it would be quite important that I have knowledge of energy anatomy and know how to apply that knowledge practically to a person’s energetic system for the benefit of the overall physical functioning of the system. Concurrently, my intentions/beliefs as well as the intentions/beliefs of my client would also be critical. For my client, his or her intentions/beliefs would be important because the energetic dynamics of his or her system (how balanced is the flow, etc.) is not separate from the intentions and beliefs embedded in that system. And, since I (as the practitioner) am interacting directly with my client’s energetic field vibrationally, my intentions/beliefs as well as the overall coherency of my energetic system also have an impact on my client.

waterThese are my ponderings of late. What it comes down to for me in a practical sense is that all of these factors make a difference… my intentions, my beliefs, as well as the vibrational coherency of whatever I’m coming into contact with. Therefore, for example, it matters what foods I eat, and it also matters that I prepare and eat that food with love and gratitude. It matters whether or not the water I drink is structured, and it also matters whether or not I believe structured water has an effect on my health. It’s a “both/and” situation, not an “either/or” situation. That’s what I’m going with for now, anyway!

What do you think? Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you!

In love & gratitude,
Penny